April 21, 2008

The Importance of Being Important


This is the new look I'm trying out for the spring. I call it "wedding reception". I want to always look like I went to a wedding, and then got drunk and started dancing at the reception and lost my jacket and untied my bowtie and rolled up my sleeves. Only thing is that I won't be coming from a wedding, I'm gonna start my day looking like this. So I guess this means I can't leave my house until late afternoon.

February 13, 2008

i think it's really awesome...

when you write someone a personal message and their response is just a link to their blog.

also, i think it's great that pedestrians don't stay to the right when they walk down a sidewalk. act like a car, people. when you're going to make a left turn to go into a shop and i'm walking in the opposite direction toward you, let me pass first and then make your turn. don't cut a diagonal swath across the sidewalk toward the shop entrance as i am approaching you because that forces me to do two things. 1. it forces me to veer to my left into the approaching lane of pedestrian traffic, thereby becoming one of them. 2. it makes me late for the concert that i am supposed to be getting ready for, but i can't because i have to write these instructions for people who don't know how to walk down a sidewalk.

February 03, 2008

sometimes i lisp when i doth protest

i like it when people who hate blogs start blogging.

January 28, 2008

keep your head up

i'm safely back in NYC after a month of travels to India, Bangladesh, Ethiopia, and Tanzania. but now i have this to worry about. that's right, a US spy satellite has gone all rogue on us and right now it is busy careening back to Earth. and authorities have no idea where the surreptitious scraps will land.

obviously, i won't be listening to my ipod for the next month or two. i want to be able to hear this thing coming.

2.14.08 UPDATE:
So the US Military is gonna do this...
I hope they don't miss, and then much like a Jart, i'll have two things to watch out for.

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January 16, 2008

a cabin in the woods. a brief update from Africa.

ok, so this whirlwind trip has been great. i'm sure i'll get into the details of it all another time, once the (actual) dust settles. here's briefly what we have done so far...

December 26th to London with Scott Harrison from charity: water. met up with Chan Marshall from Cat Power at Heathrow and flew to Bangalore, India. spent a couple of days there looking for ways to help with the water crisis in the slums. then we all flew up to Bhubaneswar, India to drive four hours east to Orissa and stay in a place called Gram Vikas. they are an NGO doing amazing work with the poor in India. check them out. can't wait to go back there. as long as i don't get eaten by a tiger or chased in the dark by one of those Russian bears that ride bicycles. maybe that only happens at the zoo. actually, zoos probably have prohibitive laws regarding cruelty to animals. no, it's the circus that will have the biking bears. anything goes at the circus. you can literally tie a scantily clad woman to a big target/wheel, give it a quick spin, and then start flinging knives at her. but after the show, if i just happen to brush my hand across the chest of that same woman, whilst getting her a cup of coffee, she could claim sexual harassment. and rightly so. i was making a sexual move. and you know what? i was thinking about doing it to her even back before i started talking about bears on bicycles and all this nonsense.

so after a few great days at Gram Vikas, including New Year's Eve where Chan and I got up on a little wood stage in the courtyard of an elementary school and danced with the kids as they put on their neighborhood performance, we left Orissa for Kolkata. spent a few miserable, sleepless hours there, before leaving India for Dhaka, Bangladesh.

in Dhaka, Chan and I bonded over Belgian beers and Apple Photobooth sessions and a really delicious cheeseburger. i know that i had a really stupid song stuck in my head that whole night, but now when i try to remember the song, i can't. instead, i hear that song from Smashmouth... "hey now, you're an allstar". i hate that song.
the following day, we took a seaplane down to Banga, the southernmost point of Bangladesh that was recently devastated by Cyclone Sidr. check out the video we shot here.

after several late night rickshaw rides, the consumption of fish with eyes still intact, and an alleged "snoring fit" for which i was blamed, we once again boarded the seaplane and made our way back up to Dhaka. then from Dhaka to Dubai. Cat Power tour starts on Jan 21st in Paris, so Chan split off to prepare for that. Scott and I used our time in Dubai to consume one last proper dinner before plunging into Africa.

landed in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, and immediately spent two days in the south, looking at water projects in those areas. then back to Addis for a night of "city living" (electricity, food, internet) before we flew north to check out some regions of Ethiopia without access to clean and safe drinking water. flew to a few more villages in the north before regrouping once again in Addis. now, we are back in the south, on a lake called Langano, preparing to film more water projects and communities tomorrow.

if you're wondering why i'm rambling... i'm trying to fall asleep and it's way too early to go to sleep but i'm out in the middle of nowhere, 26km off a paved road, on the edge of this lake in southern Ethiopia. it's also hot. but i'm trying to stay covered up to avoid the bugs. i think a guy with an AK-47 is still outside on the porch, watching over our cabin. he's the grounds patrolman and is fairly well armed but i expect that he might not be well educated about guardsmanship as it relates to humans getting attacked by big mean baboons when they go outside to pee in the dark woods. so i guess i'll wait until the sun comes up.

also, the shutters on our windows keep slamming and maybe it's the breeze or it could be those baboons, just toying with us. these animals scare the hell out of me.
A. they're smart.
B. they're strong.
C. they're mean.
they bark at each other like dogs when they fight and they run around biting each other but not just on the ground like dogs do, they also do it way up in trees.
you know when a ferocious dog is running at you and you think, "well i will just climb up this tree and then i will be safe"? it's just like that only you climb up the tree and then the baboon climbs up the tree even faster than you did and then he bites you harder than a dog would have. and then he pushes you out of his tree.

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December 22, 2007

but i'm not depressed. could a depressed person come up with the best business idea ever? that's what i thought.

the other day, i had to call tech support. (it's totally my fault, i'm the one who bought a Dell...) as i was talking to this guy on the other end of the line, i discovered that my call was routed to Bombay. he was a very nice dude, and was trying to be helpful, but his Indian accent made it a little tough to understand his English words. i sometimes have the same problem when i'm talking to my Indian friends here in The States. the difference is that when i'm talking to them in person, the non-verbal can sometimes fill in the blanks. but when i'm on the phone with someone, it's not so easy. that's when it occurred to me... i wish i could hire an Indian guy to come to my house and call the Indian tech support guys for me. he could serve as a translator.

although i guess if i have an Indian guy at my house, he could just fix my computer. i assume they all know how to.

oh, and as a sidebar... i'm going to be in India next Thursday, doing some work with charity: water. i gotta remember to bring my Dell.

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and this should cheer you up... not my words, but it's how i felt in LA.

Not Waving But Drowning

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

-Stevie Smith

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while we're on the subject... another reason i left LA.

i still haven't figured out what i am supposed to be doing with my life, but i am quickly building a detailed list of things i cannot do.

i tried improv classes a few weeks ago. apparently, i'm not that kind of funny. i can't stand on a stage and pretend that i'm flying a spaceship whilst making zany ray-gun noises with my mouth.

earlier in the summer, i tried to muster a "can do" spirit while simultaneously regressing drastically by taking a job answering the telephone at a local radio station. it's a job that i wouldn't have bothered to do even when i was starting in radio ten years ago. so i can't remember how long i lasted at that new job, maybe a couple weeks, but i know i gave my notice the first day.

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California was not tubular

so i've hinted at it before, and if you scroll down you will even read my bitching about California not wanting me as much as i wanted it, but now i have finally done something about it. that's right, i've moved back to NYC (yet again). i shouldn't even consider it "moving" anymore, since i do it so often that i am rarely even "staying" anywhere.
but i'm hesitant to say that i'm bi-coastal. that would imply that i actually have a place of residence on both coasts, just as saying that one is bi-sexual implies that they are getting a bit of loving from both the dudes and the ladies. i guess i'm a-coastal.

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November 02, 2007

everything (including healthiness) in moderation

my arm has been tingling recently. i don't think that's good. i need to start exercising again. thought about running, because it's good for the heart. but then i decided against it, on account of it being bad for the knees.

although i've never heard of anyone dying from a knee attack.

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cooking my career

i'm trying to take the different key ingredients of success and use them to make a real career for myself, or a "success pie", if you will. but i'm having a difficult time combining the different elements. i seem to take each ingredient and use it up before i have a chance to build anything meaningful with it.

i recently grabbed a bunch of sugar and spooned it into my mouth.
then i quit my job because i was bored.
later, i got hungry again so i ate a bag of flour.
then i slept on a friend's couch for three years.
next, i might try the blueberry filling that comes in a can.

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October 24, 2007

if you're not a morning person, we need your vote


long boring story, but basically...
i was watching that Tila Tequila show on MTV. one of her suitors is a nightclub promoter in Dothan, Alabama. i didn't think there would be a big nightlife scene in Dothan, so i did a google search. that got me to the main page for the metropolis of Dothan.

they are evidently trying to decide when to have their weekly commission meetings... either at 10am or 7pm. i, of course, cast my vote for 7pm, since i'm not a morning person. if you agree with me, go there and cast your vote. thank you.

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August 29, 2007

i might have to use the "B" word for this one

A friend moved from NYC to LA around the same time I did, and he has never been happier. LA has been good to him- more money, more opportunities, etc.

For me, it has always been exactly the opposite. LA has always been like that girl who doesn't want to date me. She's polite, but never offers more than that. She doesn't laugh at any of my jokes, she doesn't miss me when I'm gone. She never buys me dinner or offers to pay for anything. I go to her beach, and she kicks sand in my Blackberry. She constantly makes me work hard but gives me nothing in return.

Why can't I take a hint?

LA, your general disdain is driving me wild.

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August 21, 2007

why didn't you think of that?

sometimes i use toilet paper to blow my nose when i can't find any tissues.
i can always find toilet paper, because it's permanently mounted in the bathroom.

my invention-
toilet paper brackets for the walls throughout the rest of my house.

packrat tax- $4,320.00

after six years of living in NYC, i recently returned to my Hollywood storage unit to examine what i had left behind. i realized that, since 2001, i had been paying $60 each month to keep the sorts of things that you store when you think you'll only be gone for one month.

here's what i had been saving:

five slivers of Dove soap.
half a bottle of spf 30 sunblock.
a rolled-up tube of toothpaste. with baking soda.
various other items from under my bathroom sink.
an old television that i bought for 50 bucks in 1996 when i was super broke.
t-shirts from radio stations i worked at ten years ago (those jobs would be the reason i was super broke).
one spare tire for a mountain bike i haven't seen since college.
a warped pool cue.
an old pair of wool socks.
1200 empty jewel cases for cds that i now keep in cd books.

yesterday, i threw it all in the dumpster.
that was a nice use of my $4,320.

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August 19, 2007

my mouth just had an epiphany

i have always maintained the belief that yawning isn't actually contagious, it's just a really good idea.
but some "scientists" did some "research" and decided to disagree with me. whatever.

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Pinkie Rings

overheard yesterday at a swimsuit photo shoot in Santa Monica:

"someone's pink phone is ringing!"
(the phone rang for a while, of course, as that description achieves maximum vagueness at a swimsuit photo shoot.)

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August 11, 2007

A-Sale

i half expected to find Mr T. sitting in this yard...


but i guess he was busy doing this...

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August 08, 2007

to ER is human

you know when you are crying, but it's on the inside, people console you and stuff?
but when you are bleeding, but it's on the inside, then people say that you have internal bleeding and they rush you to a hospital.

August 01, 2007

Random late night Wikipediaings

in lieu of counting sheep, i wikipedia the random things i'm wondering about whilst waiting to fall asleep each night.

here are my nightly queries for the last two and a half weeks:

what's the deal with cowlicks?
does the FCC let you say "wtf" on the radio?
How old is Justin Timberlake? (I wanted to see how little I've done in my life versus this successful child.)
Origin of tables and chairs.
Bear Grylls' bio.
The expression "have some hair from the tail of the dog that bit you".
Crime scene cleanups
"come and get your love" lyrics.
Law of diminishing returns.
Capital of Rwanda.
How to opt out of junk mail.
Climbs Everest with a guide (I was trying to remember the word "sherpa")
Where to buy "save water, shower with a friend" bumper stickers.
Little Black Sambo.
What was Sophie's choice?
Geo tracker standard colors.
The many children of Rod Stewart.
What ever happened to Baby Jessica?

July 23, 2007

damn you, NASA.

in addition to my regular paranoia, now i have to worry about a half-ton refrigeration unit landing on my head.

NASA is trying to calm my nerves, but i'm not buying it.

"Most space junk burns up in the atmosphere without ever reaching the ground. Occasionally, parts of larger objects survive re-entry, though most of it falls harmlessly into the ocean or onto unpopulated land. NASA knows of only one person ever hit by space junk — a woman in Oklahoma who felt a tap on the shoulder from a piece of rocket insulation, wafting to the ground.

The EAS may be large enough for parts to reach Earth, though NASA said it's not terribly concerned."

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July 13, 2007

giving thanks

i'm thankful that in the past few years, no one has said to me "you are so money and you don't even know it". although i am concerned that the reason i haven't been told that is not because the expression is now terribly uncool but rather because i am.
sort of related to this... i would like to start saying "no big woop" again.

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July 06, 2007

i would put something clever here but my phone keeps buzzing and distracting me, so we are left with this for the title.

two nights ago, i dreamt that i went on an audition for a hosting gig (you know, one of those television jobs usually performed by Bob Barker or Ryan Seacrest or Mark McGrath).

the audition was being held at a YMCA-type indoor public pool. it was an L-shaped pool. seems ridiculous to have an Olympic-size L-shaped pool, but whatever.

i was sitting in the waiting area (around the corner, at the small side of the L) and was forgotten about. i waited, most of the day, to be called for my audition.

finally, i realized that they forgot i was there. i walked around the corner and noticed that the casting director was frolicking in the water on the long side of the L-shaped pool. he quickly apologized for not noticing me sooner, and invited me to audition.

i moved my lips to speak, hoping to drop some cleverosity on him, but no words came out of my mouth. my cheeks started flapping as if i were trying to carry on a conversation whilst skydiving.

it was a very depressing, emasculating dream. i felt powerless. sort of like those self-defense dreams i often have where i'm being attacked and i try to strike back but i can't make a fist and i'm flailing at my assailant but my hands aren't affecting him. or when i'm trying to shoot my attacker but the hammer of the pistol is just clicking on an empty chamber as my enemy advances toward me.

i tried to show the casting director that i was funny and clever but all i could do was flap my cheeks and make a faint whistling sound.

i wish there was more to this story. that hardly serves as a compelling tale. but i guess that's how dreams go- there is a definite beginning, middle, and then you just wake up.

oh, like last night...

i dreamt that i was contracted to kill some girl i knew from grade school. i don't want to say her name but i will tell you that she was the one who dipped her peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in her milk. if you were one of the seven other kids in my class, you know exactly who i'm talking about. ok, so i attempted to carry out the hit by stuffing a large blanket in her mouth while she slept. but then i started to feel bad (you know, about killing someone or whatever), and so i yanked the blanket back out of her mouth. i'm happy to report that she survived the partial attack. but man, was she ever pissed at me.

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June 25, 2007

bathroom scrawl

this could be great. let's get it going...
BATHROOM SCRAWL

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June 18, 2007

notes from africa

i've dedicated this morning to catching up... i went to Africa for the month of March, but the internet connection and electricity was so bad, i actually had to keep a paper blog. today, i have transferred a few of those notes to my blog, in the proper places.

if you're looking for travel tips, or just wondering why my arm is still itchy, check out the March and April postings.

and pics from Africa are here. enjoy!

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